Thirty two years and just about one month ago was the summer of my 9 years. It was 1980.... a time when the summers seemed hot, awesome and endless.....where searching for rocks to add to our rock collection took up most of our days.
That summer I spent at the lake whenever I could. My uncle Reg and his family were down for their annual visit. I played with my younger cousin Maria, she was 4 and lived on PEI.
Gram had taken us to the dentist and Maria came too. The dentist let us pick out rings as that is what they used to give as surprises back then. They let Maria pick one too.
We went back to the cottage and played outside on the swing. Maria asked me if I could hold her ring as it kept falling off her little finger. I held it and though how nice it looked on my finger. I kept the ring, on purpose. My dad drove us back to my mom's house that day. I felt guilty about keeping the ring, but I still kept it. Little did I know that one small gesture would cause me a lifetime of guilt. That day was the last time I saw Maria. On September 2nd of that year, she was hit by a truck and killed.
As long as I live, I will never forget the moment I found out. My sister and I were waiting for my dad to come pick us up and he wasn't arriving. I called his girlfriend at the time and she asked to speak with my mother. I stayed on the phone and heard her telling my mom that Maria was hit by a truck and died. The grief I felt at that moment was only surpassed by the guilt I felt for not giving her the ring back. In my 9 year old head, I felt that it was my fault that all this happened because I took her ring. And for 32 years I have carried that guilt.
It is only after a few years of therapy that I've come to realize that I have never let go. And I have to let it go.... My therapist suggested I talk about it more with people I know. Well I can't talk about it without crying, so here it is.... out there.... I have put it out there and whomever wants to read it can do so.
Now my adult mind knows that it wasn't my fault she was killed and why am I even holding on to this....?? Well, I guess my 9 year old mind thought differently. And maybe it's because it was the last time I saw her too.... my little angel..... For years after her death I remember daydreaming about her and ways I could bring her back.... if only I could bring her back, then all would be good.
Not too many days have passed in the last 32 years that I haven't thought about her, talked to her or seen her beautiful face in my heart. I love you Maria...... and I'm sorry I took the ring.
